http://whitechild.freechipz.com/ Keeping it real fr http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/30/dealing-with-death.html You would know the secret of death. But how shall you find it except when you seek it in the heart of life? The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day can't unveil the mystery of light. If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life. For life as well as death are one, even as the river as well as the sea are one. In the depth of your hopes as well as desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond; And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring. Trust the dreams, on behalf of in them is hidden the gate to eternity. Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honor. Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king? Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling? For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind as well as to melt into the sun? And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise as well as expand as well as seek God unencumbered? Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance. From: “Death” - Khalil Gibran My dad passed away 4 weeks ago. It was not sudden or with out hope. Till the end, we still had hope that he might live. In case you have not read my previous entries, here’s a recap: He was diagnosed with stage 3 Myeloma (bone marrow) cancer in December 2007. After much treatment he went into remission, this made bone marrow transplant possible. His medical team was full of hope that his life might be extended by a couple of years. The transplant worked, new white blood cells started growing back. This is where the roller coaster ride began. Over the next month, my dad started going backwards, we had to stand by as his body started shutting down. The specialists eventually realized that all of the new white blood cells were actually cancer cells, they told us that they did all they could, that any further treatment would kill him. His oncologist told us “it’s now in the hands of God, no one knows what shall happen next”. The funeral was beautiful, sad yes, but a celebration of his life, the way he would have wanted it. Now it’s all over. What an unoccupied concept. After so numerous months of visiting the hospital, spending nights with out sleep at his bed side, it’s all come to an abrupt stop. It’s like being on an airplane flying through the eye of a storm, then suddenly being ripped away, finding yourself floating in the atmosphere, not knowing how you got there. Every thing’s gone quiet. Disturbingly quiet. Silence. In this silence the millions of questions came, the anger, the confusion, the lack of words to explain to those adjacent to me how I feel, that a part of me went numb. Yet I get bombarded with a single question by those around me, “how are you doing?”. Funny how people request this cause they don’t really know what to say. One of my closest friends said something that meant the world to me, he said: “I don’t know what to say, but I’m saying it…”. In this I find truth as well as honesty. This is not a movie where we can pick up a script as well as say the right thing. This is life, as well as life is unpredictable yet honest. It’s all a bit unreal really. I constantly have dreams about my dad, my child hood residence in the present, all part of the process I suppose. This is the first time someone so adjacent to me dies, I have only been at 2 funerals in my life, both last year when my grandfather, as well as my wife’s grandmother passed away. So I have no idea how to deal with this. Here’s the question, is there actually a “right” way to deal with death? I came to realize that the answer is no. Because we have different relationships with different people, no death experience could ever be the same. Every time someone dies, it leaves a hole somewhere, never to be filled. Like all of us, I was told that time heals all wounds, that every day shall be a little easier. Logically it makes sense, but this statement is incomplete, cause healing is a personal journey, one that starts with a decision: do I retain standing in one spot, or do I slowly put one foot in front of the other, till eventually I find myself walking. Never away from the situation, rather making it my companion. I know my dad is in a good place, away from all pain as well as suffering, crime as well as war. Maybe he is the lucky one. I can’t say that I know what shall come next. All I know is that death is as real as it gets, a reminder that we only have now. In the “now”, God stands waiting, waiting to heal us, love us, shower us with his peace as well as grace. To some, this thought is unreal as well as far fetched, a fantasy of those who go through life living in a bubble. For me, this is my sanity. To visualize: I find myself standing in silence Encircled by mountains that reaches the heavens In this place no wind or storm may enter, In this place I feel the soothing warmth of the sun on my face, sinking into every fiber of my being In this place, time stands still Here, I feel God’s presence, For He is in the warmth of the sun, the pin drop within the silence Here I find peace My soul rests. For this is my faith, my pit stop, my experience of God. How do I deal with the death of my father? Well I remember all of the good, deal with all of the bad as best I can, as well as endeavour to reside a life that shall honor his memory, my way. Sat, 30 Aug 2008 21:45:16 -0400 whitechild