http://whitechild.freechipz.com/ Keeping it real fr http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/27/my-wife-my-rock.html Went to visit my dad last night in ICU. It was not great seeing him in such a bad state. I got quite emotional. The nurses tried their best to give me some positive words, but in truth, I just wanted them to go away. I tend to retain my emotions to myself, have done so my entire life. I never show those adjacent to me how I’m really feeling. But last night it became a bit much. I decided to show my wife how I feel as well as share myself with her on behalf of the first time since we have been combined (11 years as well as counting). What an amazing experience! She did not endeavour to tell me it’s all going to be ok. She listened, held me as well as cried with me. This took us so much closer. I found myself saying to her that I can’t do this on my own, that I require her in this, at the end of which she ran me a bath as well as washed my back. This was exactly what I needed. I came to realize that God made us one, not just from an intimacy p.o.v., but in times it matters most. I would in the past at all times be the first to say that God has joined us in spirit, but last night I realized as well as experienced the extent of this gift. Today I look at our relationship with new eyes. She is my rock. My love. Sometimes our stubbornness stand in the way of true blessings. It’s not about changing who we are, it’s about letting go. I have to admit, I shall still not do this in front of friends or family, but being able to do this in front, as well as with my wife, accepting her support, opened a new door on behalf of me in life, one I thought could not be opened. The result, today I feel free, as if a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Today, I thank God on behalf of all his blessings. http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/27/my-wife-my-rock.html Wed, 27 Aug 2008 20:41:01 -0400 whitechild http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/24/love-thy-inlaws.html I got married about 6 years ago, been with the same girl on behalf of 11 years. So I have had my fare share of in-law stories to share. You know, I’m not the kind of guy that can fix things, like a car, plumbing as well as so on. I’m quite a dits when it comes to DIY. For my father - in - law, these things matter. So I can’t say that it’s at all times been smooth sailing. We have different ways of doing things, I call the plumber, he visits Builder’s Warehouse on behalf of the latest discounts. Because I love my wife more than I can express, I endeavour on a daily basis to retain her old man happy. The question I’m asking myself lately, is how important are these things really. When I requested on behalf of their daughter’s hand, they did not put me through some grueling test displayed in front of me like an obstacle course. They only had one thing to say: “Promise us that you’ll at all times look at the end of our girl, as well as remember, she is a daddy’s girl”, meaning, “hurt our girl as well as we’ll chop off your fingers”. I came to love them on behalf of their different qualities. Yes they are interfering at times, but I think I’ll be 10 times worst when my girl gets married one day. In all they have been there on behalf of us when we needed it most. What more can I request for? God has blessed me with a second set of parents, who are wise as well as caring. This shall manufacture me think twice before I even think of cracking another in-law joke. http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/24/love-thy-inlaws.html Sun, 24 Aug 2008 21:17:36 -0400 whitechild http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/22/not-all-decisions-are-easy.html Running your posses business has it’s fare share of stresses. Especially when the people you trust drops you in the dust as well as you are left fighting the trenches on your own. I am faced with a tough task this week as I have to cut some one out of my business. What makes this worst is that this is a good friend of mine. From a business point of view it makes perfect sense, as this person has broken my trust as well as is costing me money. From a personal point of view, it’s hell. I retain thinking that I’m taking food out of someone’s mouth, a friend’s mouth. I sometimes wish I can be a machine that just process data as well as manufacture decisions based on logic. But I suppose I’ll be a very lonely/empty person then. When I started my business, my dad told me to at all times retain God in the loop. This also means projecting your posses money. Yes you should give, but not at the cost of your posses happinesses or growth. My reason’s on behalf of starting a business is 50% based on money, 50% on creating the opportunity on behalf of my wife as well as myself to have a family, one that I can dedicate allot of my time to. See, on behalf of me time = all of the riches in the world. But only if that time is quality time spent with those who are dear to you. http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/22/not-all-decisions-are-easy.html Fri, 22 Aug 2008 20:40:02 -0400 whitechild http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/27/when-life-bites-bite-back-harder.html When I was 6 or so, our next door neighbors used to have Doberman they kept on a short chain in their front yard. Their opiniun was that this dog had to be vicious in order to retain intruders away. It was actually a bit cruel now that I think about it. The dog could never transfer further than 5m as the chain would not permit it. So this was one frustrated little(BIG) Doberman. One day, my mother went to visit them as well as I was tagged along, I dreaded it as I was petrified of this dog who, in my opinion, was the exact replica of the devil’s dog. Even the neighbor’s son steered away from this evil thing. At first everything went hunky dory, my friend as well as I played like kids of that age does, then things got a bit heated as we started fighting over the favorite toy, we unfortunately did not realize that our little wrestling match happened too adjacent to the dog (who’s name, by the way, happened to be Hitler) I managed to get the toy away from my friend, as well as gave a little war cry, just to turn around as well as stand face to face with a growling Hitler(the Doberman). Before I could jog he had me by the hair (which hung to my shoulders) as well as pulled me to the ground. I can’t tell you what went through my head, but the next thing, I managed to free myself, instead of running, it made more sense to byte back. I had a sweet spot on his neck as well as refused to let go. I lost some hair in the process (I had a bold patch), but at least I gave the dog the fright of it’s life. I can’t say I became friendly with the dog afterwards, in truth, I kept my distance even more. But looking back, it thought me a valuable lesson that at all times kept me going when things get tough: When life bites, bite back. Never give up. You’ll be amazed how tough you really are. http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/27/when-life-bites-bite-back-harder.html Wed, 27 Aug 2008 20:23:56 -0400 whitechild http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/24/on-solid-ground.html Lately, I have been faced with a lot of obstacles. Last week I reached a point where nothing made much sense anymore. Where I just wanted to pack up as well as jog away, let somebody else deal with my life. I just wanted to crawl into a little corner as well as melt away. During all this time I prayed on behalf of God to give me the strength to carry on as well as to find the way forward. How much can we handle? Just how far can we be pushed before we just take our posses downfall as well as sink into a black pit of nothingness. A lot of people find themselves in this space. So the slipping part is the easy part, falling is even easier. Staying in the pit, well that’s just bad habit. I find that hanging on to the edge is the difficult part, finding the strength to pull yourself out onto solid ground feels like an not possible task. But it’s doable. This is what I prayed for. The strength to plant my feet where I can’t be moved. Yes things shall at all times come our way, sadness, pain, failure, hopelessness, these are the force winds we have to fight against, we might be pushed back a few steps closer to that dark place, but we have a choice. We can either turn as well as jump, or push forward. I trust that we give in too easily sometimes, looking on behalf of answers in all of the wrong places. God gave us life, not to suffer as some might believe, but to live, I agree, through suffering comes strength, but it’s my belief as well as opinion that the day we were born, God planted a little piece of Himself in us. It’s common knowledge that we exist of body as well as spirit(soul), this makes us closer to God than we can ever realize. How do God listen to our prayers, when does he answer? I chose to trust that it’s when we become more in touch with our soul that we manage to work our way through the spiritual network as well as reach His ear. I had to die on behalf of me to realized this(only later on in life). When I was 5, I died in a car accident. God took me back to life, I can’t tell you why, but what I can tell you is that he left me with something special. Life. In times I feel like I’m sinking, I raise my hands as well as chose to live. I still find myself feeling hopeless at times, But I know God is there. Really there, I know that His shall on behalf of all of us is to manufacture the best of the time we have on earth. To learn out of our mistakes, as well as help those adjacent to us who might find themselves is similar situations. I don’t agree with the “radicals” who stand in public preaching salvation, I trust God is a God of intimacy. A one on one spiritual being who concerns Himself over our well being. With this I do not condemn spiritual gatherings, like church, seminars as well as worship sessions, I condemn those who lose track of God’s experience with us, making their ministry some kind of Hollywood show. I condemn those who preach fear, “repent or you’ll go to hell” kind of thing. My God is a God of love, a God of hope, a God of peace, a God of strength. I woke up this morning with renewed hope as well as inspiration. I still find myself hanging on, but at least I’m on my way to solid ground. http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/24/on-solid-ground.html Sun, 24 Aug 2008 20:57:40 -0400 whitechild http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/25/let-the-child-in-you-take-care-of-the-adult-in-you.html I trust kids have some 6th sense, they sometimes do things that bless us with out them even realizing it. Last week I went through to my sis on behalf of some coffee, during our visit she had to rush off the fetch my little niece from school (she’s in grade 1). When they returned, my niece came operational out of her bedroom with her hand behind her back as well as handed me a picture she drew of the two of us walking our “imaginary” dogs. This was so special to me, as well as on behalf of a moment, the world seemed simple as well as uncomplicated, as well as I could remember what it felt like to be a child again. What a wonderful feeling. It was like escaping to Never Land. Through this I realized that I complicate life too much at times, all of us require to escape to Never Land from time to time. Like a dear friend of mine says, “Let the child in you, take care of the adult in you…” Cheesy, I know, but it makes a lot of sense. http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/25/let-the-child-in-you-take-care-of-the-adult-in-you.html Mon, 25 Aug 2008 21:06:40 -0400 whitechild http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/30/time-to-quit-smoking.html Every smoker knows that a time shall come when you have to quit smoking. For me, well, I know that time has come as I feel the effects every morning as well as evening. My grand father died of emphysema, my mother as well as one sister is asthmatic. I used to be when I was a child, but outgrew it somehow. Turning 30 this year I start thinking of all these things. Only one problem. I actually enjoy smoking. I love to sit at a coffee shop, drink six cups of coffee as well as smoke ten cigarettes. Coming from a TV broadcast background, I have covered my fare share of stories on why smoking is bad on behalf of you, the effects there of bla bla bla. You see, it’s got no effect on me what so ever. I have actually seen moulds of what a smoker’s lungs look like, still no effect. I realize that it effects my health, but how do you give up something you don’t desire to give up? I tried once in the past, went onto Zyban, it just messed with my head making me not possible to reside with, I became aggressive, anxious, depressed. So Zyban was not the answer. A few years back, my friend tried Smoke Enders, they gave her this mould of a lung so that every time she thinks of smoking she can focus on the lung, we ended up using it as a ashtray. I know it’s horrible, disrespectful as well as all, but I came to realize that I have become so desensitized by media, campaigns as well as ads that I just switch channels in my head whenever someone tries to preach to me about the risk I’m facing. But I have however came up with some kind of solution, I’ll pray that God must remove my taste as well as enjoyment of smoking. The problem still is that 50% of the work shall have to come from my side. So today I gave myself a 3 month count down. I average 25 cigarettes per day, at the end of month 3, I have to be down to 1 per day. Ok, let’s manufacture it 4 month count down. I’ll retain you updated on my progress. God gave me the gift of life, I suppose I’ll have to take that a bit more seriously than I already do. http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/30/time-to-quit-smoking.html Sat, 30 Aug 2008 21:22:51 -0400 whitechild http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/31/clever-ad-or-perfect-setting.html I went to visit my dad in hospital today, my mother arrived at the end of a while so I thought I’ll give her some time with him, I left the ward as well as waited in the corridor. I got bored at the end of a while as well as decided to go on behalf of a smoke. On the door of the smoking room was an ad on behalf of Beltone(hearing aids). It was the typical el-cheapo style print ad that posed 5 scenarios as well as ended with “if you answered yes to 3 or more questions call us on behalf of a hearing evaluation”. I first read the pay off line, thinking “well let’s see how deaf I am..” Now you have to understand the setting, I just came out of ICU where people are lying with tubes coming out of their bodies, walked down a corridor that smells of the strongest disinfectant, with 3 accident victims being rushed passed me into ICU, now this is the perfect environment to breed paranoia. So of course I answered yes to 4 of the 5 questions, (I mean, who don’t have a problem following a conversation in a noisy place?) I even found myself taking down the number cause hey, I’m going deaf. In any different environment I would have thought of ten different ways I could have done the ad better, but this was priceless. It’s the perfect example of what marketing, advertising as well as the perfect sales pitch is all about. Catch someone in the right setting, in the right frame of mind, as well as you can manufacture them trust what ever you desire to. Sickening, but true. http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/31/clever-ad-or-perfect-setting.html Sun, 31 Aug 2008 23:59:42 -0400 whitechild http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/31/accepting-bad-news.html My dad has Myeloma Cancer, so a few months ago he went on behalf of a bone marrow transplant. Our hopes were up cause hey, the specialists are buying us at least another 5 years. As I don’t have any kids, this thought meant that he shall be able to see my first born. As the only son in a afrikaans family, this is big, on behalf of me at least. On saturday the specialist told us that the cancer survived all of the treatments, as well as that now we only have a few weeks left with him. That there’s nothing else they can do on behalf of him. This broke my heart into a thousand pieces. I woke this morning hating the world as well as everything in it. But then I came to realize that my dad is on his way home. Up to this point I thought that I was prepared on behalf of the worst, but I was far from it. There’s so much I still desire him to say to me, give me a life times worth of advise, tell me what he expects from me. I went through to the hospital last night to see my dad. I told him how much he means to me as well as that God could not have given me a better dad even If I requested on behalf of it. What he told me, shattered my spirit, he told me that if he could have meant 1% to me of what I meant to him, it’s worth a life time. This was too much on behalf of me to handle, how do you respond to that, “I love you” is just not good enough, I wanted to hold him as well as manufacture him understand that he was just that. But I did not have the words. I left the hospital feeling as if someone just took a shotgun as well as blew a hole into my gut. I have never felt so much pain before. Today, the sun rose at about 06h30, a new day was born, this had no effect on me, I was angry, bitter as well as upset. Besides this I decided to go through to the hospital again. I saw my dad, held him, kissed his forehead, as well as told him that I love him. You know what, it’s ok. For the first time in my life I truly understand just how much he loves me. Father to son. In accepting this situation, processing the news logically, I feel blessed. I had a possibility to talk to my dad, hear him tell me what I have been waiting 20 years to hear. If he passes away tonight I’ll be fine with it. I’m not upset with God. rather, I thank him on behalf of giving me this time with my dad. Through this process I was tough a valuable lesson. Often in life, we get dealt a bad hand. We get bad news as well as immediately blame God cause it’s the easiest thing to do. Finding the blessings in bad times is what helps us cope. Helps us take as well as deal with the unacceptable. My dad is dying, so why do I feel blessed? Why do I see the good in the bad? It’s simple. God did not give my dad cancer. Nor did he curse me or my family in the process, he gave us life, in life he gave us death, he gave us a porthole home. What is home? A place where there's no pain, a place where we are surrounded by love, acceptance,joy as well as glory. Why am I blessed? Cause I am alive. I have a say in my future. I can chose to reside as well as manufacture the best out of my time on earth. I can have a family, I can experience love, I can feel the sun on my skin, can experience a storm over the ocean as well as smell the birth of spring. My time shall come, but until then I shall manufacture the best of each experience, or give it my best shot at least. God gave me life, it’s up to me to live. http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/31/accepting-bad-news.html Sun, 31 Aug 2008 20:57:06 -0400 whitechild http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/30/dealing-with-death.html You would know the secret of death. But how shall you find it except when you seek it in the heart of life? The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day can't unveil the mystery of light. If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life. For life as well as death are one, even as the river as well as the sea are one. In the depth of your hopes as well as desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond; And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring. Trust the dreams, on behalf of in them is hidden the gate to eternity. Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honor. Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king? Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling? For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind as well as to melt into the sun? And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise as well as expand as well as seek God unencumbered? Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance. From: “Death” - Khalil Gibran My dad passed away 4 weeks ago. It was not sudden or with out hope. Till the end, we still had hope that he might live. In case you have not read my previous entries, here’s a recap: He was diagnosed with stage 3 Myeloma (bone marrow) cancer in December 2007. After much treatment he went into remission, this made bone marrow transplant possible. His medical team was full of hope that his life might be extended by a couple of years. The transplant worked, new white blood cells started growing back. This is where the roller coaster ride began. Over the next month, my dad started going backwards, we had to stand by as his body started shutting down. The specialists eventually realized that all of the new white blood cells were actually cancer cells, they told us that they did all they could, that any further treatment would kill him. His oncologist told us “it’s now in the hands of God, no one knows what shall happen next”. The funeral was beautiful, sad yes, but a celebration of his life, the way he would have wanted it. Now it’s all over. What an unoccupied concept. After so numerous months of visiting the hospital, spending nights with out sleep at his bed side, it’s all come to an abrupt stop. It’s like being on an airplane flying through the eye of a storm, then suddenly being ripped away, finding yourself floating in the atmosphere, not knowing how you got there. Every thing’s gone quiet. Disturbingly quiet. Silence. In this silence the millions of questions came, the anger, the confusion, the lack of words to explain to those adjacent to me how I feel, that a part of me went numb. Yet I get bombarded with a single question by those around me, “how are you doing?”. Funny how people request this cause they don’t really know what to say. One of my closest friends said something that meant the world to me, he said: “I don’t know what to say, but I’m saying it…”. In this I find truth as well as honesty. This is not a movie where we can pick up a script as well as say the right thing. This is life, as well as life is unpredictable yet honest. It’s all a bit unreal really. I constantly have dreams about my dad, my child hood residence in the present, all part of the process I suppose. This is the first time someone so adjacent to me dies, I have only been at 2 funerals in my life, both last year when my grandfather, as well as my wife’s grandmother passed away. So I have no idea how to deal with this. Here’s the question, is there actually a “right” way to deal with death? I came to realize that the answer is no. Because we have different relationships with different people, no death experience could ever be the same. Every time someone dies, it leaves a hole somewhere, never to be filled. Like all of us, I was told that time heals all wounds, that every day shall be a little easier. Logically it makes sense, but this statement is incomplete, cause healing is a personal journey, one that starts with a decision: do I retain standing in one spot, or do I slowly put one foot in front of the other, till eventually I find myself walking. Never away from the situation, rather making it my companion. I know my dad is in a good place, away from all pain as well as suffering, crime as well as war. Maybe he is the lucky one. I can’t say that I know what shall come next. All I know is that death is as real as it gets, a reminder that we only have now. In the “now”, God stands waiting, waiting to heal us, love us, shower us with his peace as well as grace. To some, this thought is unreal as well as far fetched, a fantasy of those who go through life living in a bubble. For me, this is my sanity. To visualize: I find myself standing in silence Encircled by mountains that reaches the heavens In this place no wind or storm may enter, In this place I feel the soothing warmth of the sun on my face, sinking into every fiber of my being In this place, time stands still Here, I feel God’s presence, For He is in the warmth of the sun, the pin drop within the silence Here I find peace My soul rests. For this is my faith, my pit stop, my experience of God. How do I deal with the death of my father? Well I remember all of the good, deal with all of the bad as best I can, as well as endeavour to reside a life that shall honor his memory, my way. http://whitechild.freechipz.com/2008/08/30/dealing-with-death.html Sat, 30 Aug 2008 21:45:16 -0400 whitechild